Something I can cross off my "Things to do before I die" list:
Urinating "farm-girl" style, in a park. Without pants.
I think I did it wrong. Apparently the true farm-girl style involves having your pants still on. But it is a step in the right direction. Baby steps you might say. Which are all I could take with my pants around my ankles anyway.
I'm told the correct way is to balance while keeping your legs forward and leaning the rest of you back. I, however, have troubles with balance on my most sober of days--this definitely wasn't one of those.
I never would have done it had I not had to pee after a large quantity of alcohol and then wandered off to a park far, far away from any toilet I had access to. There was no other choice because when I gots to go I gots to go. The pros of the public piddling far outweiged the cons.
It's a good thing no one else (that I was aware of) was in the park aside from my friend (who we'll call Ani-Pheobes because she reminds me of a combination of Pheobe from Friends and an anime charcter) or I might actually be somewhat embarassed. (Scratch that. No, I wouldn't.)
Pheobes had to tinkle too so we both took opposite sides of a large pine tree to commence our respective business.
Conversation went something like this (keep in mind, we were quite tanked):
*sounds of tinkling on some very unfortunate grass*
Me: Ha ha! I can heeear you!
Pheobes: Noooo!
Me: Ahaahhahahhaa!
*more tinkling sounds*
Pheobes: HA HA! Now I can hear you!
Me: Ahhh! Stop listening!
Me: *sounds of furious wrestling with pants*
Me: Hey...can you help me tie my shoes?
Pheobes: What?! Why?
Me: Because I took them off.
Pheobes: ...Why?
Me: Well, how else was I supposed to take my pants off?!
Pheobes: Why did you take your pants off?!
Me: So I could take off my underwear.
Pheobes: ...
Pheobes: *insane laughter* You're supposed to keep everything on when you do it!
Me: Shut up. I would have peed on myself.
Pheobes: You're supposed to lean back THEN pee.
Me: I would have fallen!
Pheobes: *more laughter*
Really, there should be a diagram of how to do this "the proper way." It seems impossible to me.
Oh well. I'm just thankful that I was still "with it" enough to realize that my pants needed to come off beforehand. That's all I'm sayin'.
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6 comments:
LMAO!!! You are soooo weird! Which is why I love you! Yaaay I get to see you in about 2 weeks! Wooot!
HAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH
okay, that is one of the greatest fucking things i've heard in a while.
Next time you come back I will teach you about inebriated public urinating. I'll even draw you a diagram if you wish. its good that you mastered our former lesson, sexual harassment in the workplace,we don't have to spend anymore time on that one. you are doing well grasshoppah!
Jen... I love you... and I'm... um... not sure what, but I'm an expert at the cowgirl pee... you so funny.... one day I'll give you lessons or something!!
You have a job, where you sit at a computer all night long... bored... UPDATE!!! lol, might come see you in August :D
You fail updating 101!
Wow, I am touched you have so much faith in my blog that you would harass me like this. Ok. You convinced me. I am working on an update as we speak.
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